Grief and other musings.

I’ve been in a really weird mood today, which isn’t that surprising for a few reasons. One, I have depression that I’m managing (so far) without the need for antidepressants, so I still have bad days but it’s not too bad today. 2 – and this is probably the biggest reason if I’m being honest, 13 years ago today my aunt died. She was my mums younger sister and had Downs Syndrome.

All of my life, she had been there either my best friend or my worst enemy, we’d play and fight and laugh and cry, and as I got older I took on more of a caretaker role and helped out with her, giving my gran (her primary carer) a break. And it seemed like overnight she developed more and more health issues, but she was dealing with them and it was fine. Then she had a massive seizure and ended up in hospital, from there she eventually went into a nursing home, then over the course of 18 months her health kept slipping and slipping, and then she was gone. She was 48 when she died.

I don’t know why it’s hit me so hard today, I’ve been dealing with this for 13 years and feeling sad about losing her isn’t a new thing. I think it hit me today that although I had her for two-thirds of my life, she’s now been gone for over a third of it, and soon there will be a time where I’ve spent more time without her than I did with her and that just breaks my heart. I love her and miss her so much, and today is making me super emotional and not in the mood to be around people. So I’m currently hiding in my bedroom.

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