I feel like I should have something to talk about, I want to keep this blog updated at least every second day, if not every day. But right now, I’m sat looking at the cursor on the screen and its like *crickets* nothing.
So, until inspiration strikes, I’ll go with introducing myself a bit more.
My name’s Alison, I’m 36 and I live in the UK. Two out of three I can’t change, one I would if I could.
My dad was in the military when I was born, up until just after I turned 13. I was born in England, shortly after moved to Belgium and lived there for 4 years. In that 4 years, we moved four times. And I don’t remember much of it, to be honest. Fragments of the first few places, the last place we lived, I remember clearer because I was 3-4 when we lived there. Then we moved back to the UK, and moved twice. One, just outside London, the other about 15 miles from Oxford. We moved to Germany when I was nine, and we lived in Berlin for 3 years, which I loved. It was, and still is, a vibrant and amazing city. Then we moved from Germany back to the UK to where we currently live. My dad got out the army the week after I turned 13, and at the end of that month, we moved into our first ever family home that belonged to us.
And I started school. It was a bit of an adjustment, but I’ve always been quick to make friends, so it wasn’t a massive problem. I spoke in a different accent than everyone else, but over the next few years my accent changed completely, so it wasn’t that big a deal.
My issues with depression started when I was in 6th year (or 12th grade/year 12 in other places) and I just fell to pieces and ended up leaving school just before christmas without telling any of my friends I was leaving. I didn’t speak to any of them for about four months after that. And over the next twenty years, its continued to be an issue. You know, thinking about it, I think my issues with depression had started before that because I remember one of my mum’s friends recommending she put me on Vitamin B6 when I was about 15, because I had a low mood I couldn’t shake, and it really did help. So, yeah, I can’t really remember a time in my adult life when I did have issues with depression but the first time I went to the doctor about it because it was interfering in my ability to do my job, was 2006.
I am so sick of talking about depression but at the same time, its all I can think about because this is what I’m living. What I have been living since about January this year, when it started to come back again. Its not particularly a ride that I chose, nor is it one that I wanted to be on, but I don’t have a choice. I have to deal. Not dealing will only lead to more problems down the road.
I should have more to say, I should be doing more, but I find myself without a single, solitary fuck to give right now. I don’t want this to be a negative space but this is the reality of living with depression. Some days I feel totally able to cope with everything that’s going on even with not being in a healthy head space. Other days, like today, I feel angry and bitter and just over feeling like this. Welcome to my life, it ain’t pretty and its not particularly functional, but its mine.