One thing I’ve always said when it comes to me is, if you want to know how I’m feeling, the easiest way by what music I’m listening to. Not only the song, but the lyrics of the song. Today has been an Evanescence kind of day. A good day is usually a little mix of everything from current top 40, to music I listened to as a kid, to music my parents listened to when I was a kid. An ecclectic mix. A not-so-good day is lots of Evanescence, Linkin Park……. the list goes on. Evanescence primarily. I can’t obviously listen to Tourniquet by Evanescence, as when I was badly depressed a few years ago, I played that song to death and just hearing it makes my mum worry about me. Plus, I listened to it that much I don’t particularly like it, anyway.
Today has been a flat day. And what I mean by that is ……. honestly just that. I’ve felt flat, not unhappy, not happy. A creeping kind of numbness that saps away all the happy feelings. When I smile, its fleeting. Laughter is the same. I just can’t hold onto emotions. Its not a new thing, but it just leaves me feeling hollow and empty. Its not a nice feeling but I know its part and parcel of dealing with depression and to be honest, I actually prefer this (at least in the short-term) over the rage and anger that was so present over the past couple of days. Being like this is calmer and more stable for my emotions, but comes with its own set of complications.
A few years ago, I was prescribed fluoxetine (or Prozac, depending on what you want to call it.) and it didn’t agree with me in the slightest. I was on it for, I want to say four months, but I could be wrong. And it left me feeling like an emotionless zombie. I was flat all the time. No happiness, no sadness. Just flat. And that’s how I feel now. I doesn’t bother me, because I know its only temporary.
I’m going to bed shortly, but don’t know if I’ll sleep since I slept 14 hours last night, because I’d only slept for 2 the night before. I can’t sleep, my appetite is still crap and I have constant flu like symptoms that leave me aching and sore most of the time. I’m finding it hard today to find the positive, to find my happy.
I don’t particularly care right now what happens, to be honest. I am honestly so sick of being on this roller coaster. I’ve been on it since I was sixteen and it shows no sign of letting up. I feel about 90 and I am tired in a way that has nothing to do my physical self. Is it possible to be spiritually tired? If there is, I am. My soul is tired. Fighting is important, but sometimes I just want to lie down for a while and give up fighting. I need…….. I don’t know what I need. A magic ball that can tell me that everything is going to get better? I don’t think I’d believe it even if someone showed it to me. Today is not a hopeful day. Today is a day for just being. I’m still here, I’m still ticking on. For today, that’s the best I can do.