I’m going to start with a warning that I’m going to talk about things that might make other people uncomfortable, so if you have issues with discussion around self harm and self harm urges, this isn’t the best post for you. Please use your best judgement as to what’s best for you.
Over the past few days I have had really bad urges to self harm. Its not something I’ve done in about six or seven months. Self harm is a controversial subject and not one that I have been comfortable talking about until recently. Now, self harm covers a huge variety of behaviours and attitudes. In my case self harm usually is using something either plastic or metal to scratch my skin. Never breaking the skin, just leaving marks that take a few days to fade. I’ve done it for years when my depression is particularly bad and usually when I’m feeling angry or lost. Actually, I’m not entirely sure what I’m feeling when it happens, I just know that everything bubbles up and for a while after it happens my brain feels calm.
So far, this time, I’ve successfully been able to fight the urges but honestly, its not that bad right now. Its usually late at night, say 1am that the urges hit me. If I slip, its not going to be the end of the world, but I don’t want to. Once I start its really hard to stop again and I just can’t be bothered with the conversations I have to have when my family notice it. Its just endless because I can’t explain something to someone else that I can’t explain to myself. It doesn’t make sense. Its a compulsion. It just happens. Which isn’t much of an explanation for a worried parent.
I don’t know that I’d still be here if I didn’t have the support I’ve had over the past 11 years to be honest. My family and my closest friends were the ones that kept me going when I wasn’t sure that I wanted to. When I couldn’t talk about how I was feeling, my best friend had me sit and email her so I could get my thoughts out of my head and that was more helpful than I think I’ll ever be able to explain. I always worry about talking about self-harm because its a very emotive subject. I haven’t and won’t judge anyone for how they chose to deal with their pain. Its a vicious cycle and so hard to break. Which is why I’m trying really hard not to start. One day at a time is all I can do. And for today, I made the choice to fight how I’m feeling.