Today, my moods have been swinging so hard and so fast that most times I can’t hold onto any emotion for longer than about 30 seconds. I’ve been mostly swinging between anger, frustration and basically feeling numb. It’s so frustrating but mainly I swing between being angry and calming down into a weird kind of numbness. I hate having mood swings its three times worse than it ever has been with hormones. I’ve been on anti depressants for four days, like…… nothing new to report there, not that I was expecting it to be any different. It could take a few weeks to kick in, so……. *shrug*
I live at home with my parents, which isn’t ideal when your my age (I’m 36, don’t know if I mentioned that before) and I feel lots of conflicting emotions about that, but for right now there is nothing I can do about it. Rental prices where I live are ridiculous and even if I could afford to pay that, it’s not going to be any time soon. I just feel like everything is pressing down on me at the minute. Its 2 and a half weeks until Christmas and I’ve don’t think I’ve felt less festive in recent memory. I just…. can’t be bothered with it. And it sucks because I’ve always loved this time of year. But right now, just……. I see pictures on Facebook and it just leaves me cold, or alternatively it just makes me grumpy.
Also, I emailed my work and handed in my months notice to work. I’ve spoken to management, and they’re really understanding. And the thing that totally caught me off-guard was that my manager said that the most important thing for right now is for me to get my mental health sorted, and then when I’m better and back on an even keel then I can come back and see them, and see what’s happening. I mean, that makes me feel so good.
I’ve worked for the company for three years, and I really enjoyed it, but recently something has changed. I don’t know if it’s the depression or whether I just need to go in a totally different direction. I spoke to my other manager, and she said that another thing about me handing in my notice, that even I hadn’t thought of, was that it takes the pressure off me and I don’t need to worry about going back to work or going back and forth to the doctor and getting signed off. And she was right.
So, I just need to talk to the doctor on monday, as I had to do self-certificate for a week, if I don’t feel like I’m ready to go back to work, just to get in touch with her on monday and she’ll extend it. So, that’s what I’m going to do since the thought of going back to work right now makes me feel totally sick and panicky.
So……….. yeah. I feel like shit. My life is heading for the toilet. I can barely eat, and my sleep is seriously messed up. And I don’t think I could be positive if I tried. Hopefully this’ll change but…. it sucks right now.