I wish I knew who wrote the above poem. I tried my usual sources (google, my sources are always google) which was totally unhelpful by telling me of three different people it could be. I like it, but its really the last paragraph that appeals to me, especially the last two lines.
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit. It’s when things seem the worst that you must not quit.
Today, I feel like I’ve been hit hard. I’ve been alternatively tearful and totally apathetic about everything. More of that later on.
Quick update, today is day two on my new anti-depressants with possibly the lowest dose you can get right now (10mg) but I’m not going to dismiss it out of hand and say such a low dose won’t be effective because hey, I’m not a doctor, and I don’t know. Its not sertraline. I told the doctor I had absolutely no interest in going on it again. So we’re trying something new. No idea what’s going to happen, all I can do is wait.
I handed in my notice to work, and I’ve been told by the doctor to self-certificate for the next week off work and if I feel it needs extended to let her know and she’ll sign me off properly. Which isn’t ideally how I’d want to spend my notice period, but I get so anxious and stressed and feel sick at the thought of going to work feeling like I do, that maybe I’d be better off just being signed off and not going back.
I’m not panicking about finding a job right now, which maybe I should be, but……. eh. I don’t think I have the energy or ability to panic right now. I’m exhausted. Fighting my brain is exhausting. Also, I am getting a bonus in the next few weeks and I have 4 and a half weeks of holiday unused by the time I leave so they have to pay me that (I’m………. fairly certain). So either way, money isn’t going to be awesome but I’m not going to be broke.
Also, even if I was broke, I still stay at home with my parents, so I don’t need to worry that I’m going to be homeless because I can’t afford to pay rent or a mortgage. thank fuck. I have enough troubles without worrying about shit like that.
This might be a bit rambling and not particularly put together and that’s because its 1.30am, and I’ve been awake 22 hrs. I woke up at 3.30 this morning, after falling asleep at 6 last night because I’d been awake for 32 hours. Insomnia, is a thing I’m really struggling with right now. Oh, and I’m averaging having breakfast one day, and nothing to eat until dinner the next night. I have no appetite. All of this is making me feel really anxious and stressed and I’m obviously really depressed. But at least I don’t feel that pressing panic any more. Handing in my notice stopped that.
I still have no idea what I’m going to do, at all. I’m still sick of having a broken brain. I still think about running away more often than not. But still, I keep going. I haven’t quit……….yet.