Today has been an anxious day. For no reason that I can decipher I’ve had a panicky feeling in my chest and like I want to run. Somewhere. Anywhere. I constantly feel shaky and sick and its horrible. I finally fell asleep at 4am, having been awake 25 hrs, I think I got about 6 hours sleep and was awake again at 10. I hate not being able to sleep because all I do is lie in bed and my brain races at 90 miles an hour and I can’t stop thinking about everything that’s going on and that is the last thing I want to be thinking about. Before I know it my heart is racing, and I’m 30 seconds away from a full blown panic attack. NOT fun. I don’t know why I’m feeling like this, and I hate it because it makes me question everything. And I can’t help but feel like the biggest fuck up on the face of the planet. Like, its been nine weeks. NINE. Since I returned to work and because of my fucking depression, it’s all hit the skids again.
Before, I was always really negative about coming off my anti-depressants but this time I figured I needed to be hopeful and just let things go and see what happened. By the time I went back to work, I had been off them for……. I think five or six weeks. And I felt amazing. I was happy, confident and absolutely convinced I was ready to go back to work. And because of something that is completely outside of my control, I can’t. And I hate it. The worst thing for me about my depression is knowing that I’m not in charge of what’s going on in my brain. And there is nothing I can really do about it. Yes, I take tablets, but fundamentally my brain chemistry is wrong and I physically can’t do anything about it.
Feeling helpless is not a fun thing. Feeling tired and hopeless all the time is not a fun thing. Feeling like this a treadmill that I’m never going to get off and I’m going to be stuck in this spiral for the rest of my life is soul destroying. This isn’t something I want to have to deal with forever. But that’s not something I get a choice about.
And isn’t that just a cheerful thought to finish this post with. I was going to try to make this a positive post, but today, I just don’t have the energy or the capacity. Maybe tomorrow.